Hang on, am I over reacting?

As we walk through life there will be times when people will do or say things that bug you, upset you and even send you into a rage. A trigger inside you is flicked and thoughts fly through your head that you wouldn’t be caught expressing out loud, or they actually do come out and you have a mess to clean up later.

Then comes the big question, “did I just over react or is there good cause to be upset?”

I hold inner peace as a high value in my life so the subject of why I sometimes react to circumstances and how to deal with this turmoil has been a fascinating journey of learning. I have witnessed situations where over reacting has caused an escalation of a situation to a level far greater than was warranted with resulting emotional damage to everyone concerned.

As a human being I believe we are responsible to each other to learn to manage our reactions and take full responsibility for our behaviour. We are not responsible for how others react to us, but we are to be aware of how our behaviour influences the world around us. To live in harmony with the world we must learn to respond and not react to it. You can not control the events or behaviours of others, but by fully owning ourselves we gain the power to choose how we will respond. In the state of responding there is freedom and there is choice.

Easier said than done!

Here are a few pearls of wisdom I have learnt that you might helpful.

1) Reactions block your ability to think clearly.
In the state of reacting, your emotions block your ability to think clearly and reasonably. Reactions originate from the fight-flight-freeze response to a perceived threat. Therefore finding a way to create the space necessary to calm down is essential to moving through to an appropriate response and reply. The old “count to 10” solution still works! Do something to create the space you need to reflect on what happened.

2) Any judgments made in the state of reaction will NOT be true.
They will be a reflection of your reaction and the facts will become distorted. For example, you are planning to go to the movies with a friend. They txt you and say, “can you invite someone to come with you.” Upon reading the txt you instantly feel rejected. (a reaction) In your head you start thinking, ‘they don’t want to spend time with me, they want others to come because they don’t really like my company.’ (a judgment) You then receive another txt from them saying…”as I have been given 4 free tickets.” Oops your reaction quickly turned to judgment and the conclusion was false.

3) Reaction comes from unresolved pain from past events.
Reaction enlarges a complaint and tears down relationship. Arrest your reaction and ask yourself, what is my assumption here? Or, what am I believing is happening and is it true? This will help you gain clarity so you can choose another possibility that is more empowering.

4) Responding is powerful.
Responding creates opportunity, builds relationship and trust. Even if it takes days to move into response mode, it is worth the work to get there. Ask yourself, “What can I do or say that would build relationship?” Maybe it is as simple as making an apology and building a bridge for communication.

5) Be kind to yourself.
If you live with regret because of over reacting, forgive yourself and determine to learn from it.